I feel....I write.....

Dear God....

2011-12-01T00:36:00.000+05:30

Dear God...
It's been long time i wrote to you.However i'll be talking to you everyday....
But whenever i write you letter, i feel a kind of peace in my heart.

God, i think life is indeed very simple.. it's our mind,beliefs,fears,expectations and perceptions which make it very complicated...

i always wondered when i read the quote, "live the life in present moment.don't live in past or future".

but now i have realized to some extent, what "living the life in present" means.

most of the times when i will be doing an activity, like i am riding to my college, i will be thinking about many things.

i will be thinking about the classes on that day, or about the fight i had with my bro before i left my home or something else... [believe me, sometimes i'll be day dreaming too ;)]. sometimes i will be comparing how the 'riding' resembles to the "journey of life"...[a kind of philosophical thought]

But one day i just felt the joy of riding.That feel of freedom or independence or.. (as my best friend Neetu says, "feel like a bird").. since that day, i thought of just 'living' that moment of 'riding' and decided not to think of anything else and now i really enjoy riding more than before.

i just thought how about applying this policy to every part of my life??..

when i listen any song, i try to feel the voice of that singer, the beauty of the blend of instrumental music in the background along with the singer's voice....a kind of "music meditation"... it gives a kind of peace, a joy.. something i can't put into words.. but something that makes me feel very happy... something that "Heals"...
i feel like am living this life, completely in "Present".

But it's not that easy, God. for a moment i feel like i'v started living this life in "Present"... yet the past disturbs again.of course there are lots and lots of happy memories. sometimes the thought strikes that i can't get back those happy moments again, that thought..... disturbs a lot, God.
every song that i listen makes me think of someone or some incident or something like that.... sometimes making me smile and sometimes filling my eyes with tears....

even the thought of future, it plays with my mind.. sometimes it makes me day dream and sometimes feel very insecure....
why is that so difficult to just Live this Life in the "Present"....??

I think i should learn "living in the present" along with the past and future too.
using the 'past' to keep the Hope alive and to learn from my own mistakes.
using 'future' to dream... to dream big... that's what keeps me alive....
if this is followed, i feel i can really have a better Present.. :)
[BetterPresent= present+past+future]

Hmmm... it's not that easy... but not impossible too..
I'll keep trying.. i know you will help me. :)

God, just few days back when i was listening the song "Tum Ho...." (Rockstar), one of my most favorite songs, i thought about you...
those lines.. they made me think of you, God... :)

Love you God,
- your daughter...

Forgotten

2011-11-13T16:43:00.005+05:30

exams had finished.all were happily leaving the exam hall.he was about to leave,then she came near him and gave him an envelope.she told,'happy holidays' and left.he was little surprised.he put that envelope into his pocket and decided to open it at home.
he knew that,it was a letter,may be a love letter......
she wrote,
"Dear,
i know you might not be expecting this from me but i got to tell you few things.
on the first day of our college itself i was impressed seeing you.the happiest moment in my life till now is when you spoke to me for the first time.later the impression turned to attraction and then to infatuation.most of the time i kept watching you instead of listening to the lecture.you started to visit my dreams very often.it was some special kind of feeling i never went through.as days passed the feeling became stronger.i was confused,i couldn't know what that feeling was.sometimes i felt to get rid of it but somewhere in the depth of my heart i was happy.
after spending few hours with myself , now my mind is calm.i have understood what i felt was purely a false attraction.in one month of study holidays i'v almost stopped thinking about you.it's been many days that you have stopped coming in my dreams.now it's clear for me, this is not a time for commitment, it's the time for dedication.. dedication towards my studies.i am at the cross roads of my life and i need to be more serious regarding my future.
i will never forget your first stare at me,the way you spoke in that debate competition,your poems and those few conversations which i had with you.
now i am confident that i wont love you but you will have a special place in my heart because......
you were my first crush and probably the last one."
it was not a proposal but a confession.
classes began after two months of holidays.his eyes searched for her but she didn't turn up for one week.later someone told him that she had left the college and moved to some other place as her father had got transferred.
he felt angry that how could she go without caring for his reply.he tried to get her contact but didn't succeed.
days passed,he almost forgot her but her letter was preserved in his diary.
* * *
she was sitting in the bus staring at her watch.the bus was almost full of passengers.some of them were standing.suddenly she saw someone in the bus, staring at her.he smiled.she tried hard to smile back.it was almost 5 years she saw him.she had thought she would never meet him again.in these years life had changed so much,she was a grown up and had almost forgotten him.those things which once upon a time seemed special were silly and stupid now.she didn't try to talk to him and even he didn't.
the bus stopped,he came near her seat,pushed a small chit into her hands and got down the bus.
the bus started moving.he had written something on that chit.she tried hard to read that.it seemed he had written that while the bus was moving.
it read- "even i had crush on you."
she smiled and looked through the window,he was standing there at the bus stop,looking at her and smiling.
they never met again.....
* * *
in the journey of life we travel with people who leave us when they reach their 'bus stop', they are never supposed to be our co-passengers,what we can do is just look back at them once and smile, but the journey should go on.....

A 'Rain Story'

2011-08-20T23:10:00.005+05:30

It's been 2 hours, am sitting beside the window, watching the rain. May be many people like me are enjoying the rain, just by watching it through the window.
I always used to think, 'Is there anyone on this earth who hates rain?'.
But now I know that there are many people who hate rain because of their own reasons. I am not bothered about them but there is someone whom I know, who really Hates Rain.....
* * *
It was 5 years back. I was pursuing my Bachelor's degree. I used to stay in the hostel. There I had my own world, with lots of friends.... every year we were supposed to change our rooms. It was the last year and I was told to share my room with a girl whom I didn't know, well I can say, I had never seen or met.
My friend had dropped the course in the middle as she got married. I was alone in my room so i was supposed to share the room with the girl, who was completely a stranger for me.....

That girl was very reserved. She hardly spoke with me. most of the times she used to be in the college library. even if she was at room, she used to keep studying, either academic books or any novels. I started feeling lonely and so I spent most of my time with my friends, who were in neighboring rooms. But I had special attachment with my room because of the view I got from the window beside my bed. I loved to sit and watch through the window especially when it used to rain.
* * *

It was July. one evening it started to rain heavily. I just ran to my room, to enjoy the wonderful rain. But I was shocked to see that all windows were closed. I was about to open them but the girl interrupted. she said that she had got cold and requested me not to open the windows. I couldn't say anything, she seemed ill.
Later whenever it rained, she had one or the other reason for keeping the windows closed. this continued throughout the rainy season. by that time I had realized that she Hates Rain....my friends and I used to make fun of her, we had kept her nickname as 'Rain Hater'.
days passed...
* * *

It was October and one afternoon it started pouring. I was in my room itself and I had decided, not to allow my room mate to close the windows.
as usual she came to close the windows. I stopped her. I asked her, " What's your problem? Can't you enjoy the rain like a normal human being? I am not going to consider any of your requests, if you really hate the rain so much then you can leave the room because I am not going to close the windows."
she was about to leave the room. I just went and locked the door.
I shouted, "Why are you like this? Why you act so weirdly when it rains? you act as if something really bad is happening with you. You have to answer me. I won't let you go out until you answer me."

She closed her ears and was murmuring something to herself... she was weeping... I felt I was too rude... But I wanted to clarify what's the reason behind her Hatred towards Rain...

She yelled at me, "You want the reason behind my 'Rain Hatred' right? then listen.. just listen..."

"I was 10 yrs old. I stayed in our native village, with my Dad. mom had died after giving birth to me. I was brought up by my dad, he never made me miss my mom. everything was fine with my Life. those were the wonderful days of my childhood.
You may not believe me, I used to love Rain a lot. I used to play in rain, getting wet in rain was my favorite Hobby. dad never stopped me, in fact he used to play with me in rain.
one rainy evening...."

she paused.. she was sobbing.... I went to hug her.. but she pushed me back...

"please don't stop me... let me continue... you got to listen the complete story.
so where was I.. Ya, One rainy evening... I was waiting for my dad, who had not yet returned from his paddy fields. that Day.. for the first time I was not feeling to play in the rain, I was feeling scared... I was weeping...
but dad didn't come... he never came back...
late night some villagers came with the sad news that my dad was drowned by the flooded river while returning home....."

"later i was brought up by my maternal grand parents. it took many years to console myself. but i'v started living this life, without my Dad...."

"Do you know how I feel whenever it rains? you will never know...
It reminds me of that Scary evening when I was waiting for my Dad... who was dead...
It reminds me that He's not with me....
It makes me go through that Grief which I suffered when I was just a 10 yr old kid....
Huh.... you will never understand....you will never....."

she screamed, "I just Hate Rain.... That's it...."

she got up and opened the windows wide.... she said.. with tears filled eyes, "I hope you got answers to all of your questions.... Enjoy The Rain..."
she walked out of the room...

I was left all alone in the room, sobbing...
I wept a lot. for hurting her...
for scratching the wound in her heart which might have taken long time to heal....
I never knew that rain can make someone so sad.....
* * *

I apologized her later. thereafter we never spoke about rain.
we spent good time with each other.
later we moved to different places for higher studies and we almost lost each other's contact.....
* * *

It has stopped raining. I couldn't notice.I was lost in my thoughts....
whenever I keep watching the rain, it reminds me of that girl.
where she might be now? does she still hate rain?....
I don't know....
* * *

I am on my way back to home from office. Walking down with the umbrella....
Oh! I saw that girl.. Yes! the same girl....
She's walking on the other side of the road.... With a guy, may be her husband...
She's Happy. she's holding his hand and enjoying the rain...
I can't believe my own eyes.

I just crossed the road and went near her.
She's shocked to see me.
She said, "Hi...".....
* * *
we had a small conversation.
I wanted to ask her, how come she started Loving rain, but I couldn't....
later we walked in opposite directions...
when I turned back, I saw something beautiful.... Something I can never forget....
I saw that she was snatching the umbrella out of her husband's hand and was requesting him to walk in Rain....
I smiled for what I saw.... but I don't know why there were tears in my eyes....
* * *

I forgot to ask her contact number but that's okay... She's Happy... that's what I wanted....
* * *

True Love

2011-08-19T20:01:00.002+05:30

Few lines, that were quoted in the novel - A Walk to Remember by Nicholas Sparks

"Love is always Patient and Kind.
It is never jealous.
Love is never boastful or conceited.
It is never rude or selfish.
It doesn't take offense and is not resentful.
Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins,but delights in the Truth.

It is always ready to excuse, to Trust, to Hope and to endure whatever comes."

A conversation with God

2011-07-24T19:33:00.001+05:30

Had read this somewhere few years back. Found it in my diary,just thought of posting it here.....

I dreamed I had an interview with God.
"So, you would like to interview me?" God asked.
"If you have the time," I said.
God smiled, "my time is eternity, what questions do you have in mind to ask me?"
"what surprises you most about Humankind?"
God answered,
"That they get bored with childhood - they rush to grow up and then long to be children again.
That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health."
"That by thinking anxiously about future, they forget the present, such that they live neither in the present nor in the future."
"That they live as if they will never die and they die as if they had never lived."

God's hand took mine and we were silent for a while and then I asked,
"As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?"
God replied with a smile,
"To learn that they cannot make anyone Love them. what they can do is let themselves be loved.
To learn that what is most valuable is not WHAT they have in their lives, but WHO they have in their lives.
To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others.
To learn that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.
To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons one loves and that it may take many years to heal them.
To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.
To learn that there are persons who love them dearly, but simply don't know how to express or show their feelings.
To learn that money can't buy everything but happiness.
To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently.
To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they must also forgive themselves.
And to learn that I am here...... Always..."

A Walk...

2011-02-11T21:20:00.004+05:30

Memories... memories...

there was a time when i didn't know how to Walk.

i used to struggle to walk.but there were people with me who helped me stand straight and to walk properly.they held my hands and taught me how to walk.for long time,i walked holding their Hands.even after i'd learnt to walk properly,they were not ready to leave my hand or may be i myself didn't want them to leave mine.

then came a turning.i was walking and to my surprise there were no hands holding mine.that feeling was very fearful.soon i realized that i was walking well, even without their support.yet they were walking with me, to hold me when i fall down.they were happy to see me walk, they were smiling.

i started to walk bit faster.those who taught me to walk were walking slowly behind me.

* * *

as i walked further,i met many who were walking just like me.some joined me, we all walked together.sometimes i used to fall, but they never let me stop walking, they never left me alone.some left me when i fell down, some laughed and some didn't care.but i was blessed to have those people who helped me get up whenever i fell down.they were holding my hand whenever i needed a support.slowly i learnt many things, to walk with others, to avoid those people who make me fall, to help those walking with me and to keep Walking.....

* * *

one day,i asked myself,'Where am i walking?where is my destination?'.i observed that,those walking with me were also feeling the same.some of them realized soon,where they were supposed to reach and they started to walk even faster....faster and faster.those who were happy walking with me were running further.even i realized my destination and started running.we were Running.....faster.... towards our own destination.

* * *

i was running happily.i was feeling the fresh air touching my face.i was confident, my legs seemed stronger than ever before.the only thing that i knew was, i had to run, run as fast as i could and to reach my destiny as soon as possible.

i ran so fast that i could hardly see if anybody ran with me.
i ran...i ran....i ran....

finally, i reached my destination.i rejoiced, i celebrated....but i saw that i was alone.i waited for those who had started running with me, but they never came.they were happy at their own destinations.

i saw those who had taught me how to walk were coming towards me.i felt very bad about myself...i'd almost forgotten them.

i supported them as they were struggling to walk.they said that their journey was ending and they were happy that i reached my destination.they added,"your Journey didn't end.you need to walk further."

i replied that i was afraid to walk alone and i needed their support.they consoled me,"keep walking.you'll find Someone who is born to walk with you." i asked,"how would i know who that person is?".

they smiled looking at each other and said, "you need not know.....that person will be holding your hand when the time comes."

* * *

their words kept echoing in my ears.i started to run, but i reduced my speed.i was eagerly waiting for that person who was born to walk with me......who was supposed to walk with me forever.....

then came a turning.i felt someone holding my hand.yes! it was the one for whom i was waiting.

we were smiling looking at each other.

we started to run together.we were holding each other's hand tightly.we couldn't see anything else other than each other.....the road....our next destination...nothing mattered....

we were happy... running together....

* * *

we ran miles.we enjoyed every road that we traveled.we supported each other.we experienced many things...together...

then came someone whom we were supposed to teach how to walk.we became busy teaching them how to walk.we were enthusiastic to teach them walk.it reminded us,of our early days when we'd learnt walking.

but even they left us,when they started walking on their own.....

* * *

we were no more running,instead we were walking.as time passed, we seemed tired.we were walking very slowly.

then came a dark night, the one who was walking with me, suddenly knelt down....

i couldn't believe, i shouted, "you can't knelt down now.you have to walk with me.....get up and start walking.still we didn't end our journey.i will support you....i can't walk without you....you should walk with me...forever...."

the one who was born to walk with me said the last words....."oh my dear....i can't walk anymore.my time has come.this is the end of my journey....end of my wonderful journey with you....but you should go on,still your journey has not ended....i am very happy that i walked with you...i ran with you...for so long...

remember one thing,nobody will walk with you forever.you are supposed to Walk,whether there is anyone with you or no one....be strong....keep walking till your legs stop....."

* * *

i screamed....i mourned...i wept...."i can't walk further....i don't wanna walk any more...end my journey..."

those closed eyes couldn't see me....there was no hand to wipe my tears......

* * *

i didn't notice that i was walking.i was trembling.....struggling to walk....

the memories of all the roads traveled till then helped me to walk further.....

the road said, yet i had to walk a little more.....

* * *

at last...i am....at the end of My Journey....

i'v knelt down.i am about to close my eyes.

i can see the Sun setting down.....

i am very Happy....

i din't travel the most wonderful roads but i had an awesome Journey.

i didn't reach the great destinations but i Walked with the Best people.

i am very Happy that i walked with someone without whom my walk wouldn't have been 'A Complete Walk'....

i am Happy... For not stopping my Journey at any point in spite of all the adversities.....

i am Happy..... For....a wonderful WALK....

* * *

The Sun disappeared at the horizon......

A wonderful Prayer

2011-01-28T12:33:00.001+05:30

"O God,when i listen to the voices of the animals,to the sound of tree,the murmur of the water,the singing of the birds,to the rushing of the wind or to the rumble of thunder,i see in them evidence of Your unity;I feel that You are supreme power,supreme knowledge,supreme wisdom,supreme justice.

O God,I also recognize you in the difficulties I am experiencing now.God,let Your satisfaction be my satisfaction,and let me be Your joy,the joy that a Father takes in his child.And let me remember You with calmness and determination,even when it is hard for me to say: I love you."

It's written by Egyptian Sufi master Dhu'l-Nun ,quoted by Paulo Coelho in Like the flowing river.

Promises.....Commitments...

2010-12-31T20:07:00.007+05:30

it was just like few days back i wrote 'On the last day'.once again i am on the last day,of a wonderful year 2010.last year had wrote about 'Resolutions'.i am happy that i followed my resolutions successfully.though not all but at least few of them.don't ask me about my 'toughest resolution'.as always i couldn't follow that.i tried.well,i can say,i 'partially followed' that.
days passed very soon.now when i look back,i see many things....
so many beautiful days,unforgettable moments......smiles,laughs,commitments....
some bitter moments....tears,sobs.....
regrets,broken promises....new promises( which may be broken later??!!)...some 'Sigh of Satisfaction'...
news places traveled....news books read.....
now everything is memory....some are to be cherished forever and some never to be recalled.

i didn't blog much this year,i published only 4 to 5 posts.but i am happy that i tried something new.i wrote two 'short stories'.i hope to spend more time with my blog this year.not only my blog....with my thoughts and imaginations too.
moreover God has given me this life to Live it completely.there are many things to worry about other than the same academics,career and blah blah.

i have already prepared my list of new resolutions....(as usual hoping to follow at least few of them).
once again,new hopes,new dreams.....new challenges awaiting....

at this moment i would like to remind a quote for Myself :
"Losers make promises they often break.Winners make commitments they always keep." -Denis Waitley.
an eye opening quote.i will try my level best,not to make promises....promises made to self and some to loved ones....but which i break most of the times....

i pray God to give me the strength to be more committed towards Life.....

Happy New Year!!

rAndoM

2010-11-20T21:21:00.010+05:30

1.she told him,"stop Loving me....".he heard it as,"Stop Breathing."
* * *
2.whenever she listened that song,she felt that a day may come when she will sing it for someone..................
now she has stopped listening songs.
* * *
3.she is smiling now.yes! she's Smiling.i don't know what she's speaking.i am unable to hear it and also i don't want to.she's smiling,that's all what i wanted.
* * *
4.he saw her again today.the same tall and beautiful girl.
he kept looking into her deep,brown eyes.......
he murmured..."wild rose".....
* * *
5.she looked back.he was staring at her.he smiled.she smiled back.
.....................they never met again.
* * *
6.i told her,"you will smile whenever you don't find an appropriate response." she didn't say anything.....
she just smiled.
* * *

I am not a mom but .......

2010-07-09T18:22:00.008+05:30

in few minutes the bus will reach that stop.the stop where he boards the bus daily.today it's Saturday so he will be in white color uniform.as always,i am excited to see him.
he is in bus now.he's waving his hand to his mom.his house is near to that bus stop.i am feeling happy to see him.
it's been 8 months i am watching him.i don't know his name,in which class he studies and not even in which school.i never spoke to him.he may be 7 years old.the words like cute,innocent,charming are not enough for me to describe him.he's something more than that.i see God in him.he's sitting calmly,watching through the window and i am seeing him.

it's been years i have stopped weeping for not being a mom.long back i have decided not to curse my fate for not having kids.may be God felt that i don't deserve to be a mom.even he,my husband,is happy with this life.he says,"you are my kid.i don't need anyone else." i have told him about this kid.

he is going now.i have to wait for tomorrow to see him again.

memories are disturbing me.i still remember those days when i used to dream of being a mom,rather a best mom.we had dreamt of being good parents.but we never knew that God has planned something else for us.initially it was very difficult or to some extent unable to accept for me that i can't have a child.so many temples i visited,so many doctors i consulted but all in vain.as time passed i was fed up with people's suggestions and their sympathy.i stopped going to public ceremonies,marriages.i didn't want people to feel pity about me.sometimes i felt to shout at them,"Yes! i don't have children.so what?! why are you people bothered about me.if i am not a mom does that mean i am not a woman.why can't you guys let me live my life."
time is the best medicine.slowly i started to accept the truth.i stopped worrying about what people say.i decided,"yes,this is my life and i am gonna live it in a best way."i don't have child doesn't mean i should stop living,stop dreaming and stop saving money for future.i started to work,restored all my lost hobbies.i kept myself as busy as possible.we built our dream house,with a wonderful garden.we traveled many places.we have got a huge collection of books at home.now we are happy.
* * *

i don't know why,seeing that kid daily has become a habit for me.today he didn't come.i am feeling so upset.i am worrying what might have happened to him.is he not feeling well?did his school timing change?did he stop going by bus?or something else........

he's back today.he's holding a kerchief.oh! he had got cold.i hope he will be fine soon.i am praying God for him.
* * *

it's March now.he might be having exams.then in holidays he won't come.i don't know how i will spend those 2 or three months without seeing him.he seems to have become a part of my life.

today it's Saturday.i am waiting to see him in white.bus has reached the stop but he's not there.
oh! what's the huge crowd there,in front of his house?someone is dead.it's a small kid.all are crying loudly.they are taking some name.oh shit! i don't know his name.NO! this can't be possible.no...no...oh! God...his mom is sobbing near that body.....i am unable to see that body's face.....shall i get down?..if it's not he then? or if it's he himself then?....bus started moving....i am shivering,weeping....i am unable to move....
i wept whole night.i kept praying God that it should not be he.i want to see him tomorrow.

he didn't come.someone in bus is talking "nice kid he was.he died in an accident.he was the lonely kid of their parents....." i am shattered.it was he.i couldn't see him for the last time.....

oh! God why you did like this?........why God?why me?.........you didn't give me child,did i ever question you for that?did i?no.....but what have i done that you snatched this kid from me?what did his mother do?.........for what sin you are punishing me so hard?i was so happy seeing him daily.i didn't wish anything more than his well being...........can't you see me happy God?.............answer me God....answer me.....
* * *

it's May last week now.it may start raining next week.to some extent i have consoled myself.still i am trying to come out of his death.i wept for months together.i wept for someone who was not at all related to me,whose name i didn't know,whom i never talked to......i wept.....i wept........
* * *

it's June.all schools have reopened.wait...i saw him in bus.yes!! it's he,in the same uniform.i remember his bag....this can't be illusion.

i got up,went near him and hugged him,started to weep and asked him,"where were you?why did you leave me?"he replied,"i had gone to my granny's house aunty",he wiped my tears,"why are you crying aunty?" he asked.i told,"i thought you were....hmmm...nothing."i asked him,"is that your house?"he said,"no,that's my friend's house.my house is behind that.two months back my friend went near God.i miss him very much.mom says he will never come back." now i came to know that it was his friend who was dead.i introduced myself and told him that i travel daily in the same bus.he said,"i know that.i have seen you many times aunty."

i got him back.......

he's very talkative.now daily he will sit with me and sometimes on my lap.he will show his marks card,his drawing book....i had gone to his house,met his mom.his mom and i are good friends now.
i am happy.....Thank you God.
* * *

i am not a mom but he's my kid.......

A Year Ago

2010-03-19T16:04:00.005+05:30

i started blogging last year on March 8,2009.
it was the day i decided to 'write'.
i know that i don't have any writing skills and good vocabulary but i have 'thoughts',i have my own 'feelings'.
i started writing only because i 'felt' to do so.i had read about 'Blogs' in a newspaper,i 'Googled' to check what does it mean and then thought of creating my own blog.i still remember how i struggled to select an address and a good blog title. i never expected someone will read my blog .i had not even read a single blog before i started blogging.later i searched for blogs in blog directories.i encountered many good blogs.gradually i realized that in this 'blog world' with many great bloggers,i am 'nothing'.
i wrote regarding God,summer,dreams....i wrote my experiences,thoughts....i started to 'think' more than before.days passed...
i started 'following' few blogs.i still remember the day when i found Divya started 'following' my blog,i was so happy.she's the first follower of my blog.
now after one year of blogging,i have got 14 posts,13 followers(more than i expected),few comments,friends' appreciations and loads of wonderful experiences.
i am 'trying to put into words',to 'write',what 'i feel'.......
i would like to thank all my 'followers' for considering my blog worth to be 'followed' and all my friends who have encouraged a lot to keep writing.

P.S: This article was supposed to be posted on March 8,2010 but i'd internal exams so was unable to post.

P.P.S:special thanks to Neetu(one of my best friends).she's the one who is encouraging me since my first blog post.

Miles away

2010-01-14T12:33:00.004+05:30

whenever she feels sad,lonely or happy,she goes near window of her room,just to watch the Moon.she could n't even know how the time passes if she keeps watching Moon,her good companion,shining in the sky,miles away,bright and lonely.
one day a thought came,a desire to be near to Moon and also those stars twinkling.started thinking of that,Moon might be soft,cool,bright.....she knew that's highly impossible to be near Moon but couldn't stop thinking.....
she is in space.she is moving towards something which appears like moon.it's moon!!there are many craters on it,it shines because of sun,it's dry,rough,dull........it's completely lifeless.
she is falling.she's not afraid but she is sad.she can feel her heart heavy.
she opens her eyes.she's lying on her bed.her eyes are wet.she sits near window,it's morning.hours before Moon has disappeared.
she opens her science book,reads about Moon.shocked!!what she saw in her dream is true.
for two or three days she couldn't see Moon.
now she is sitting near window,watching Moon,trying to forget that dream.yet there are many stars twinkling,she doesn't want to be near any of them because.........
days have passed she has forgotten that dream completely and also her 'desire'.now Moon is shining,stars are twinkling but they are miles away and she is smiling.

On the last day

2009-12-31T21:41:00.002+05:30

can't believe,after few hours the year 2009 is going to end.last year at this moment i was preparing for my CAED exam.fortunately the next day i did exam well.for me the year 2009 began with exam.the year seems quite longer for me.i feel there were more than 365 days.
i finished two semesters of my Engg.the first half of the year i enjoyed being a junior,it was my second sem.the next half,from August,it was completely different.i entered my branch.i became a senior.amidst all festivals,freshers' party for our juniors and college fest the sem ended.savoured the real taste of Engg. during exams!?it was then i realised,what i am expected to be,being a student of VTU.
totally the year was good.i joined Orkut,got contact with few of my lost friends,started blogging,read few good books and introspected my self more than ever before.i hope,i am changed little.
few years back i decided to make resolutions for every New Year.initially i rarely followed any one of them.for two years i stopped making any resolutions,i had lost hope that i will keep my words.one day i asked my teacher,why it happens that,i make resolutions but fail to follow them.later he convinced me and gave an idea.let the first resolution be "I will follow all of my resolutions".i did the same and for my surprise i followed my resolutions,though not all at least few of them.
i think making resolutions for the New Year is a good habit.even i came to know about that from a newspaper.resolutions may be anything.it depends on your personality,the kind of person you are.the resolution may be getting rid of a bad habit like biting nails,practicing a new hobby,restoring a hobby,reading good books,waking up early,scoring good marks,doing something which you had felt you can never do.....etc there are whole lot of resolutions,you have to choose which one is best for you.in Indian Express a column with readers' response regarding their toughest resolution was published.it was really interesting.someone said getting rid of cigarette was the toughest resolution.for me the toughest resolution is practicing daily exercise and reducing my weight.this year i followed for two months but later i couldn't keep my words.
now i have to check my diary.i don't know how many of my resolutions i have followed successfully.i have to record all the main events in my life,in 2009 and i have make new resolutions.
hmmm......on the last day of this year i want to spend few moments with myself.
every day is a new day but the new year is something special.it's not just the change of calender,it's an inspiration to set new goals for myself,a moment to look at myself once.
without any celebrations,any party,any gifts,only with friends' best wishes,with new hopes and new dreams i welcome the year 2010.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Inspires.....Enlightens

2009-10-24T16:04:00.009+05:30

it's a wonderful book,'Notes To Myself' by Hugh Prather.i have read very few number of books but this is really unique.i saw name of this book in someone's profile in a social networking site.i asked dad to bring that.i was expecting a personality development book with at least 200 pages.i couldn't believe when dad brought that,it's a small book with very few pages.it has no contents.it's a typical notes that Hugh has written to himself.every time i read,each line gives some new meaning.

as i went on reading i felt i am reading someone's diary.at some point i felt i am reading a book which is written especially for me.it has really inspired me a lot and also enlightened.

anyone who is interested to know about themselves and to understand their self must read this book once.

few lines i would like to mention from that book which i liked a lot........

*Don't live for,just live.

*Tomorrow is a shallow,today is as deep as truth.

*Anxiety running through my life is the tension between what i 'should be',what i 'want to be' and what 'i am'.

*Anxiety doesn't come from thinking about future but from wanting to control it.

*Act now without knowing the results.

*"It will be interesting to see what happens"- is a more realistic attitude toward future consequences than worry.

* Perfectionism is slow death.

*If everything were to turn out just as i would want it to,just as i would plan,i would never experience anything new.life would be an endless repetition of stale successes.when i make a mistake i experience something new.

*Fear of mistakes seems to arise from the assumption that i am potentially perfect.

*A mistake is a declaration of the way i am now,a jolt to the expectations i have unconsciously set,a reminder i am not dealing with the facts.when i have listened to my mistakes i have grown.

*The key to motivation is to look at how far i have come rather than how far i have to go.

*Happiness is present attitude not a future condition.

*My trouble is i analyze life instead of live it.

*The more i attempted to 'be me',the more 'me's i found there were.

*Don't fight a fact,deal with it.

*Don't have fear about any feeling you have.when you disown a feeling you do not destroy it,you only forfiet your capacity to act it out as you wish.

*It's not that we fear the place of darkness but that we don't think we are worth the effort to find the place of light.

*I am not responsible for my feelings but for what i do with them.

*Selfishness is neither good nor bad,it depends on the way we are selfish as to whether it nourishes or injures.

*Learning to respond to now is the only thing there is to learn.

*The criticism that hurts the most is the one that echoes my own self-condemnation.

*There is no such thing as 'best' in a world of individuals.

*Blunt honesty with my feelings gives me greater empathy with other people's feelings.

*Moods should be heard but never danced to.

*True humour is fun-it does not put down,kid or mock.it makes people feel wonderful,not separate,different or cut off.true humour has beneath it the understanding that we are all in this together.

still there are lots of such lines which are enough to inspire,enlighten and change anyone completely..........

Did they try to say something?

2009-09-04T14:05:00.008+05:30

since two or three years i am getting some unique dreams.i feel they try to say something.some are conversations,some in the form of mails,greetings.some seem meaningless,some mysterious........

i would like mention such dreams-

1.in a greeting card it was written in dark blue colour-'acceptance is the way for happiness'.

2.a friend said-"the feeling or opinion that a person has about you is known by the way he/she treats you when he/she is with others".

3.'when the master and the disciple are in trouble,either master should sacrifice or disciple should sacrifice,but both shouldn't sacrifice'.

4.'a mind drifted by thoughts is just like a flowing river.any stone thrown into it makes no effect.a calm mind is just like a stagnant pond,even a small pebble thrown creates many ripples'.

5.'i talk and you all listen.you all listen not because i talk,you listen let anybody talk.but i talk only because you listen'.

6.'God gave everything to everyone but while giving interest,He gave that only to few'.

7.'follow the yellow grass,you will reach green grass.follow the green grass,surely you will reach the forest one day'.

8.someone said to me-"there may be any number of difficulties in the road,if once i realise that it takes me to my goal,i won't leave that road".
9.there is no logic for this game,what you have to do is just keep running.the moment you stop running you lose the game.

will be updating this if i get any such 'unique dreams' again.........

The cat and the blood

2009-08-30T13:24:00.010+05:30

it was just few days before exams,i was at home.it was afternoon 3.00 pm.dad was returning to office.he called mom,his voice was quite raised.we understood that something was wrong.when we went outside he showed the marks of blood near the flower pots.it was clear that an animal has gone that way with its prey.we guessed it was the cat which always tried to drink milk from our kitchen.few days back mom had told that the cat has become 'non-vegetarian' ,it has started eating other little creatures.the truth is,cat is a carnivorous animal.

then we went along those blood-marks,trying to know where that cat might have gone.it was clear that the cat was hid in bathroom.at that time dad had gone.none of us dared to go inside.i had read in a book that when an animal is with its prey,it may attack anyone who disturbs.so we waited till dad returns.we started discussing about the cat,it's prey,what that prey may be?a frog?a lizard?no,the blood marks were quite bigger,so thought the prey may be a big creature.i rarely like cats because i am afraid of their sharp nails.many times they had troubled by drinking milk,also a cat had broken one beautiful idol at home.

dad came back,we informed about the cat.he went inside the bathroom,made that cat run outside.then we saw a 'horrible scene'.the cat was walking slowly,unable to run,it was badly hurt.one of its leg was half broken,it was still bleeding.for protection it was hid inside bathroom.

i don't know how that cat got hurt,i don't know where that cat went,whether that cat is still alive or not.but whenever i see any cat walking near my home i believe it's the same cat and it's alright now.this incident has changed my image regarding cat.i won't fear to that extent because i know it won't harm anyone unnecessarily.

this incident also realised me that,i have to think twice before coming to judgement about anything,even if i see through my own eyes.
कभी कभी जो दीखता है वो होता नहीं, और कभी कभी जो होता है वो दीखता नहीं ...........

Ruins of the fort disturbed me

2009-08-04T18:43:00.015+05:30

it was not for the first time that i visited Bidar,but i was more curious this time.it may be because of the two historic novels which i had read recently.there was a time when i hated to study history,especially in the high school days.i always thought what's the use of studying past.but thanks to the great writers like 'S.L.Bhirappa' and 'Ta.Ra.Su' who changed my views regarding history and it's study.

29 July 2009,i went to Bidar with my cousins.it was 11:45 am when we reached the fort.the clouds saved us from the harsh rays of sun.first we saw one of the bastions,stood on it,touched the huge cannon surmounted on it.the wonderful view that i got standing on that bastion is just unforgettable.but there were no guides,no one who can explain the history of the fort.every stone said it's own story,but i hardly understood that.some part of the fort were closed,not allowing the visitors to see that.one of them is 'Rangeen Mahal'.there's a museum,even that's good.the fort is maintained in a good condition.while seeing the fort i just went on guessing that,this may be the palace,here the soldiers might have stood as defence,this may be the swimming pool,this may be........

i saw how a particular dynasty dominated the rule of other,at some places i could see that how a particular culture was suppressed by the other.

felt bad about myself that,why didn't i study the history before i visited the fort?the wonderful fountains and garden are so beautiful.i was feeling to capture everything but i had no camera.i tried hard to capture everything in my eyes........

few thoughts came into my mind.next time when i visit any fort I'll study it's history because i can't depend on any 'guides' and I'll carry a digital camera with me.when i shared these thoughts with my cousin,he told what's the use of it?what's the benefit to study the history?.......

i couldn't answer him.

then i decided,next time when i visit any fort I'll go with someone having the same interest as mine.it took two hours for us to come out of the fort.

though i came out of the fort physically,mentally my mind lingered in those ruins of the fort.

after i returned,searched for the information regarding the fort of Bidar.few links from where i gained little bit information regarding the fort.

http://www.indiaplaces.com/india-monuments/karnataka-bidar-fort.html

http://www.bharatonline.com/karnataka/bidar/bidar-fort.html

http://www.indiaprofile.com/tourist-attractions/karnataka/monuments/bidar-fort.html

i collected the images from 'Google images',first one is the entrance of the fort,second one is the wonderful view of the palace that we get when we stand in front of the museum,the third one is a snap of Rangeen Mahal.

Friends in my life

2009-08-02T12:55:00.007+05:30

friends play a very important role in my life.at present i have very few friends.i don't know how far it is good to classify friends as good friends,close friends,best friends,just friends......

but it is true that every friend has his/her own importance.everyone has a 'best friend',even i too have one.i had to wait for 16 years to get such a friend.i believe that for a relation to be strong,there should be friendship between them.it may be the relationship of a mom and daughter or husband and wife.

since my childhood i have got many friends.many of them departed in the journey of life.as my dad used to get transferred once in every three years,i could stay in a city only for three years.so once in 3 years i used to have new school,new friends and new neighbours.i can never forget the pain i suffered in every departure and every new adjustment.but life goes on.i couldn't keep contact with many of my 'lost friends'.i just have their greeting cards and letters to remember them.but very rarely it happens that we again meet the friends whom we had said bye long back.even i have got such a friend back in my life once again after a long break of 5 to 6 years.as years passed i got few good friends,though we departed still we are in contact.thanks to the technology.

a great writer says we should be the best friend of ourselves because most of the time in our daily life we spend with ourselves.if today what i am,then there's a part of all of my friends.from every friend i learnt one or the other thing,like,to be generous,to be truthful,to hope,to dream and more than that to be what i am.sometimes we also get some bad memories in making friends.i think a lot before making someone as my friend because if once i consider anybody as my friend then it's very difficult for me to break that relationship.

few things i have learnt in my life till now regarding 'friendship',they are:

1.it's better to be alone than to be in a bad or disagreed company.

2.don't take someone too close to your heart until and unless you realise that even you are close to their heart.

3.don't take any of your friend for granted.

4.don't talk about one friend with the other unnecessarily.

5.it's better to have friends with same tastes and interest.

now with the evolving of networking sites the meaning of friendship is little bit changed.we have the people in our friends list whom we have never met and talked to.yet i have found some of my 'lost friends' in such sites and i am really thankful to it.

today being 'Friendship day' i would like to remember all of my friends and i thank God for making my life colourful with such wonderful and special friends.

i have read many forward messages,quotes and poems regarding friends and friendship,but this one i like a lot,that is,a forward message-

'we make so many friends,some become dearest,

some become special,felt in love with someone,

some go abroad,some change their cities,

some left us,we left some,

some are in contact,some are not in contact,

some don't contact because of their ego,

we don't contact some because of our ego,

what ever they were,how ever they are,

we still remember,love,miss,care for them

because of the part they played to make 'MEMORIES'............

Happy Friendship day!!

In search of happiness.....

2009-07-14T18:26:00.009+05:30

i always wonder that where all i will search for happiness.there are many things which make me happy.i usually find happiness in mom's appreciation regarding me,dad's support and encouragement,sister's company,a friend's call or message,favourite teacher's class,someone's mails,a baby's smile,a movie,a song,a book,an article in the newspaper,T.V,PC,mobile,rain,sleep,dreams.......

uff!!the list goes long.it varies according to a person's interest,tastes and his/her personality that in what all he/she finds happiness.but is that true that we really find happiness in these things......

when the power goes off,when battery loses its charge,the T.V,PC and mobile can't give me the happiness.instead i will get the double sadness.when i am left alone,the only thing that will be with me is MYSELF.so i think the real happiness lies in myself.

I've realised it but to follow in the life is not that easy because the mind won't listen.it again starts to search the happiness in any situation,person or thing.sometimes i will feel bored,i will be in dumps,i will be unable to do anything,i will cry,it's all because i search for happiness.it takes many days or years to find happiness in our self and stop searching for it anywhere else.

i had read a story,in which God decides to put the happiness in such a place that man will be unable to find it easily.at last He decides to put in the man himself because God knew that man may easily search the happiness wherever it is but he could never look for it inside himself.......

a question arises in my mind that,'was God afraid that if man finds happiness easily,he would have forgotten Him?????'.

"It's raining"

2009-07-07T18:51:00.011+05:30

after a long wait at last it's raining.it was really a long wait of one month.to some extent I'd lost hope that it will rain this year.the drought scenes had begun to come into my mind.the 16 hour power cut for 10 to 12 days was so horrible,that too during exams.I'd started to learn living without current.the value of a thing is known when it's lost......thank you 'rain god' for the rain....

'it's raining',this expression brings lots of memories into my mind.some are happy memories and some are sad.i don't know what makes me like rain so much.it may be because i am born in a rainy season,i belong to a high rainfall region or because i live at a place which gets least rainfall.

usually rainy season is accompanied with the reopening of schools but this year i am having holidays in July.when the holidays and rain combine together,then it gives an ultimate happiness......

the rain reminds me the days i spent for four years at my native.it was then i saw the 'real rain' of western ghats.when for the first time i saw it raining so heavily i was just spellbound.sometimes that rain created a fear in my mind.when it rained too heavily the schools and colleges remained closed for 2 or 3 days.the way we enjoyed those holidays,the weekends spent at granny's house eating snacks and chatting for hours,sleeping tight with 3 or 4 rugs,chatting with friends and roommates at hostel especially when the power went off,the sweet aroma of morning coffee.....

not all memories are sweet some are sour too.those rainy days when i had just gone to hostel,the way i missed my parents being away from them for the first time,horrible bus journeys in rain,that day when i wept the whole night because of a quarrel(argument) with someone.......how can i forget those 'sad rainy days'....

hmmm,hundreds of memories unfold with this rain......

now i am not in hostel,granny and grandpa stay far away from me(18 hrs by bus),i am happy with my parents but still "it's raining",reminding me all the moments of my life attached with this rain.....oh!rain,keep raining.....

'Dreams'-i can't live without them......

2009-05-02T11:11:00.014+05:30

the word 'dream' itself creates a wonderful feeling in my mind.it reminds me the beautiful childhood dreams,dreams which i see in sleep and the dreams that i have about my future.when i was a child i used to dream about working as a scientist at ISRO,astrophysics was my great interest.later as i grew up i came to know that it was not my cup of tea.then come the dreams which i see in sleep.they are really wonderful than any other dreams.every time there will be something new.every morning i get up analysing the night's dream.sometimes they make me happy,sometimes fear and sometimes cry,especially when someone dear dies in my dream its really hard to come out of it.i always try to understand what my dream wants to tell me.some questions arise into my mind after every dream like, does that symbolize something?is my subconscious trying to tell me something?i think dreams are the best way to understand ourselves.every night i sleep with an eagerness.sometimes i get solutions to my problems in my dream.once i got a dream,in which i receive a greeting card sent by my dad.on that greeting card it was written in dark blue colour-'acceptance is the way for happiness'.really that dream tried to say me something.sometimes i fly in my dream just like Hrithik in 'krish' and that's my most favorite dream.i don't know why but after every such dream, the whole day i will be very happy........

DREAMS have become a part of my life.it may be the 'night dream',the dreams regarding my future or the 'day dreaming',i just can't live without dreams.also i have realised that some dreams are more beautiful when they are just dreams and not reality.so its better if some dreams won't come true...

somewhere i had read,

'Dreams give rise to hope

Hope inspires efforts

Efforts results in success

So dreams are the root of success

Dream big and achieve big'.......

Itz summer

2009-03-27T18:17:00.005+05:30

usually summer reminds me holidays, yes! the unlimited enjoyment of summer holidays.but for the first time, this year summer seems boring!! college during summer is really horrible.but i am helpless, i ought to bear this after coming to higher education.........

in every summer holidays we all family members used to go to our native.we used wait eagerly for every summer.after going to native, there we used to have lot of fun with our cousins.we used to visit some of our relatives house and also had lots of enjoyment in granny's house.now everything is just memory.now we get holidays only for 15 or 20 and these days will be spent in relaxing at home.all cousins will be busy in their own work but still we enjoy when we meet after long gaps.

as i know,now a days children will not enjoy the summer holidays as much as we used to do in our childhood days.they will be busy with many classes like drawing class,computer class,swimming class etc...they might be getting enjoyment in those classes only.that too in this competitive age it becomes necessary to utilize every minute in a productive way.....

i should bear this horrible summer.oh! SUN don't be so harsh...........

God's love is so wonderful.....

2009-03-21T18:39:00.007+05:30

god's love is so wonderful

so high you can't get over it

so deep you can't get under it

so wide you can't get around it

so wonderful love.................

i had read these lines in some book.it has been proved true in my life.GOD is defined in different ways in different religions by many people.according to me GOD is someone whom we can't define but only can be felt.many say he's not there.i don't bother about them.if you believe god is there then surely he's there for you.if you think he's not there then he's not there for you.

i have personalised god.i speak to him,i share everything with him.i know he knows everything about me but still i share.i will laugh,cry,argue and sometimes quarrel with him.he may not respond to me directly but in one or the other way he will give the response.we should keep our inner eyes open to see that.god gives me everything, what i can give to him is just a TRUE FAITH and TRUE LOVE........

God expresses his great love but the difference is, the way he expresses is quite unique......

love you god...........

It's the time to express

2009-03-08T18:29:00.005+05:30

everyone have their own opinions and feelings but only few are interested in writing them.today its 'women's day' and i am happy that today i started blogging.usually what we do on this day is wishing all women a happy women's day and discussing about matters related with women like their rights,their condition in society,the way they are developing day by day in all sectors,how they have stood equal to men and etc.i agree the discrimination of women has been reduced in drastic way but i can't accept that its completely gone....

it was long back(somewhere even now) that women were exploited through child marriage,dowry system,sati system,not allowing them to school,deva dasi system and many more.it was a time when they didn't have their own identity.now the situation is completely opposite.they have come outside of their house,they have formed their own identity,they are in all those fields which once upon a time were meant only for men.but still their exploitation continues.now women have to work in the house and also outside the house.they are however managing.still they are dicriminated in the name of customs and traditions........

sometimes a question arises that 'did the nature do discrimination while creating a man and a WOMAN?'...............